Jaguar No Longer Roaming Free

 

Today I tell of the Jaguar. I love Jaguar’s. They are beautiful. They are extremely endangered also. Come on poeple…….More info can be found in my article: The End of The Wild.
I will be writing of whales next.

 

It stalks it pray
Quiet as a mouse
The Jaguar’s ambush unseen
He drags off his prey
To a safe place well away
He will feast today

The Jaguar is beauty in grace
He is magestic and mysterious
His beautiful spotted coat
so sought after
But look at those powerful jaws
The largest cat in the Americas

If left alone he could
live sixteen years
But that’s asking to much for this poor sought after coat
He lives in thick forest
or swamps
With plenty of water to find
This creature prefers
to live alone
He won’t roar at you
But he will snarl and growl

He doesn’t want to eat you
He likes wild pigs and deer
Sloths, tapirs, freshwater fish and large rodents
So sad that these beautiful cats are loosing their homes
From habitat loss
and fragmentation
Some hunters find them irresistable too

No more than 15,000
are known to remain
What a tragedy for us
to loose this animal
It’s spots forever wiped
off the earth
When will we learn
When will we care
When will enough be enough
When the Jaguar’s no longer roaming free? 

copywrite©Jaguar No Longer Roaming Free By Rhonda Marie Ledbetter Hayman
 

Grizzly~ Ultimate in Big Beauty

Seeing through my eyes!!! Today is the Grizzly. Black Bears are coming soon. Their’s is a tragic story. I hope that my voice reaches you and makes you ask,”what can I do to make a difference?”

 I walk the woods in comfort
Enjoying the fresh air and tall pines
A river runs close
Clean and clear and fresh
I have no fear of creatures about
It is they who are wary of me
As I approach the river I must stop in my step
A Grizzly is there to drink
A Bear so huge that looks like a teddy
Soft and beautiful this big brown Bear
He is massive, his paws the size of my head
But I am not afraid
I respect the distance I must keep
I know that I am in his home
I quietly move to a comfy place to sit
And I watch him as he jumps into the river
So carefree and wild this giant teddy
He is soaked and diving yet again for a fish
He is hungry, but I am safe
It’s not me he wants
Just some berries and fish are on his menu
I watch him with love and care
For who knows if he will be here tomorrow
Some ignorant hunter may have him in his trap
His beauty and softness gone
His wild carefree self forever wiped from the earth
This Grizzly’s right to live vanished with his life
I walk away from him with tears in my eyes
For this wild place will be gone soon too
The creatures that abide here ran out or killed
For this space of empty houses and roads
I cry for the Bear that will loose his home
And so much more
People refuse to listen to reason
All that matters is their own progress and needs
As I head back to the cities of waste
I promise to remember the Grizzly
Through me he will live on

copywrite©Grizzly Ultimate in Big Beauty Rhonda Marie Ledbetter Hayman

~ My Soul The River ~

As I hide away from the world once again, I ponder what will be……..

A river runs through my soul
My mind rests on the bank of it
My eyes hide the fear that
runs on the rapids
As I hide away inside myself
Away from the worlds
uncertainty and cruelty
The river carries me far
Far from any reality
My tears are the river
From eyes that never run dry 

copywrite©My Soul The River By Rhonda Marie Ledbetter Hayman

~~Surviving You~~

Your viscious nature kills my soul
                Your anger…your hate…your words
I’m better off without you
             Your nasty words…abuse…insanity
My insides scream in pain
             Your hands…words…actions caused
None see the damage you cause inside & out
             Broken or….bleeding…or bruised
Through with you I am, no more pain
              Be gone…disappear…fly away
Leave me silently weeping for what isn’t
              No love..kindness…family
My soul needs to mend so that I may live on
              Find happiness..love…life
I must free myself from beneath the soil
              Fly away..I will…Survive you
             

copy write © Surviving You by Rhonda Marie Ledbettet Hayman

I OFTEN THINK….

  I sit here and blow my nose once more, cough what little cough my lungs will allow. I feel tired and weak. My eyes can barely see the page. My back aches, my knees ache…all my arthritis places are screaming at me I should say. I’m sitting miserably in Texas, a place I loathe, and think. Wonder. Why do I keep going? What gives me the …whatever…to keep going?

I dream of being in my mountain, sitting in front of my grandmothers fire place, drinking coffee, with a fleece sweater on looking out at the snow, talking, and it’s peaceful. We are talking about anything…about the ranch, about granddaddy, about Uncle Jimmy’s new heard of Belgian horses. One of my girls is outside catching the snow in her mouth, running and playing like she always has, coming in with her fingers frozen and her cheeks rosy.

I can look out the window at the Ruidoso pines, standing tall and proud. Grandfather time having takin its toll on a lot of them. The trash cans are still turned over from the last bear to raid them before the snow started and forced it into its den. And now the raccoons are stealing all that they can. I watch them and laugh at their antics. Them being so cute.

Grandmother has made an awesome pot of chili [mild for me of course] and cornbread to go with it. The house smells so good. Smells like old times, like always, like the smells in my dreams today. I can see granddaddy sitting at the table filling his bowl full and braking up the cornbread in it. Taking his tea to the front of the fire and poking it, turning around and sitting on the chair close to it and patting his knee, telling me to come sit with him. It’s like he really is there. Like him dieing never happened. Like half of my survival team hasn’t gone and left me here to face everything all alone.

I always feel so safe with my grandmother. She makes me believe that I can conquer all the demons that haunt me from my abusive childhood and marraige. That I can and will be a great writer, that I will be able to get well, and work with the wild cats that I love so much, save the wolves and the bears, ,the gray whales and so many more. That all the schooling I have done won’t be for nothing, all the passion in me will go where it belongs. That I might even can do more college, go higher even. Wouldn’t that be a mighty thing to accomplish.

But my reality isn’t that. I am here, going thru a horrid divorce where he has all the control, where I have nowhere to live and can’t keep a job due to the abuse and physical and emotional problems now. I have nowhere to have my girls. Poor Savannah being a baby and having a baby of her own soon. Living with that monster because I have nowhere for her. And I have people telling me how strong I am…I don’t feel it..But I guess I must be….because I am here still…and I am alive, in Hell, which is Texas and Satan is the sun.

Getting Over Child Rape ~~ARTICLE

By Rhonda Marie Ledbetter Hayman   
This article was “not rated” by the Author.
Last edited: Monday, February 27, 2006
Posted: Friday, February 17, 2006

Experiencing rape and the trama left behind…Then on to recovery.

 Part One ~ The Beginning

     When I was 12 years old I was attending a very small private school in Germany. One day in February I was up grading one of my papers and passed out. I woke on the couch in the principals (who is the preachers wife also) office.  I had a few techers (who were members of our church also) standing around me. They wore concerned frowns on their faces and I starting crying.
     Mrs. Graham, the Principal, asked me what was going on with me. I was exhausted and tired of the burden that I had been carrying for over a year. I came clean with her, slowly, painfully, I told her that my stepfather had been sneaking into my bedroom for over a year and touching me and doing things to me that he shouldn’t be doing.
     As I went into detail of the horrific acts he was defiling me with they all started crying and were beyond shocked. One of the teachers was also my best friends mother. She offered to take me home because Mrs. Graham had insisted that I report this to my mutter. I was scared out of my mind.
     The whole way down the autoban I cried and fretted. I had never wanted to tell her. It was embarrassing and terrible and he was her husband and she loved him.
     Once inside the house I broke down. Mrs. Hefner had to help me to the sofa. My mutter was anxiously asking about me. When she sat beside me on the sofa, I blurted it all out. Well, actually, I told her only part of it. I couldn’t bare to tell her all. I told her that he had been sneaking in my bedroom and touching me on my breast.
     She started crying and looked at me like I was the devil or something. Then she questioned me, believing it a lie. I swore to it and still she couldn’t or wouldn’t believe. In the end she believed.
     When he came home that evening she questioned him and ofcourse he denied all. I was furious and cried out at him. After a long ordeal he finally admitted to it and begged my mutters forgiveness. My sister was crying and upset. Telling me that I was ruining our family and why was I lying on her daddy ( who was her stepfather also, but she was 5 yrs younger than me and been with him since she was 2).
     My mutter left it up to me. We stayed with him or she left him. Everyone was crying and devastated. I felt trapped and like I was the bad one there. As a 12 yr old in despair I made the only choice I could. We stayed.
     Nothing was the same for me afterwards. I was depressed and afraid all the time. I felt utterly alone. This was the first time that suicide entered my head.

     When I was 14 he started being sneaky again. I was a mess, I had been sick 3 days out of 5 every week the year before and barely passed the 7th grade. In all rights I shouldn’t have been passed. I was in and out of the hospital. Until the doctors finally came to the conclusion that it was stress.
     So when I started noticing him standing outside my bedroom window at night I knew that I was finished there. I had to leave. He would go into my bedroom and mess with the blinds, I guess so that he could see in from outside.
     I left home after the next blow up. I was utterly alone. Sad, exhausted emotionaly. I had no idea what was to happen to me.

 

Part Two~ Rebellion

     I had no self-esteem. I didn’t believe in myself for nothing. I was worthless, obviously…my own mutter didn’t love me enough to put me before a man. After I turned 15 and was reunited with my mutter, for a while anyways. I told her the rest of what he’d done. SO the whole truth was out and she still stayed with him.
     I started drinking, and going out with older friends. Smoking, smoking pot. Dating guys who were 18, rockers, partiers. I didn’t care about anything.
     Then one night at a party I met this guy that turned my world rightside out and made my heart stop. He was 18 and I had been 15 for 2 1/2 months. I won’t go into this story because it is what my book is about. It will be available for purchase soon. What I can say is that I finally had a little reason to live. I still acted out, but couldn’t seem to help it.
     I drank more, started doing shrooms, acid and gummed coke a little, but nothing like the other drugs. I had quit school, on probation for a B and E and Criminal damage to property and a few others. At this time I was also raped by 3 guy friends at once. It was very tramatic and was one more damaging event on my soul. I had sliced my wrist several times, I have many scars. I had overdosed, drank myself almost into a coma, had car wrecks, motorcycle wrecks. I had been taken into a chapter of the Hells Angels. Taken, means exactly that too. Claimed is another word for it. The leader, Shane, who is dead now, decided he liked me and that was that. Until I convinced him that I needed to be with my love, Jamie. The guy from above, in my book. A big story there! I got my tattoos done by them too.
     Later, I started going clubing and I was in a constant high. I didn’t come out of all that until I found  out that I was pregnant at 19 and put myself in a christian home called Teen Challenge. Savannah was my angel baby. She saved my life.

 NOTE: There are way to many details in my rebellion to go through in this short article. Everything is in my book. The pain and rebellion is great and explosive and explained completely.

Part Three~Recovery

     Recovery is a constant. Sometimes I feel like I haven’t gotten any better, then other times I don’t even remember it.
Between the molesting and the rape and other severely tramatic events not to be discussed in this, itis amazing that I breathe.
     I was in counceling for 7 years and I think that between that and the anti-depressants it helped. I don’t think about it all the time, but I know that it is still there. Everytime I have to stand up in front of someone I feel it. Be in public. I know this is due to my extremely low self-esteem. There are some things that are hard to do.  I can easily be a hermit. I am quiet, but don’t piss me off because I am dangerous then. My anger boils up and over and it’s not just an Irish and German temper coming out, it is rage. Amazingly I have done really well raising my children. I have much more self control and patience than I ever thought I could. Ofcourse, some abused become abusers and others go the opposite direction completely. That would be me, thank God! A great testament to my recovery, I think. I am in a constant struggle with the rage, the deep all consuming despair that can take hold of me but I have some sense of control over it.
     The recovery process is hard and long. But I find that I can’t stop trying.  I talk to other women and girls in groups. I try to help out as much as I can. To me that is as much a part of healing as anything. Everyday is just like AA says. One day at a time.
  
      Finding ones innocence again is impossible, I know. But when it has been ripped away from you and you feel lost and scared, those feelings stay with you forever. No matter how much one recovers, the innocence is still gone, never felt. A mystery. Something that every child needs to have had. To be without it, not know it, is a greater loss than anything else imaginable. So to strive to reach it is sometimes what we victims do.  When we find that we can’t obtain it, it can be a blow.
    So no matter how we take one day at time to become who we need to be to be healthy partakers of society, we continue to want that innocence back.   

 

NOTE:
     Not every expereince is the same. Not every reaction to the action is the same. For instance, my situation was magnified by previous abuses of different natures. My rebellion therefore was magnified. My healing process will take longer.  I understand this. Others may or may not of had previous abuses to deal with and that can alter their reactions, make them maybe less rebellious. Ofcourse it also depends on the mind set of the person in the beginning.
     I was blessed with the fact that I knew that no matter what happened to me I had an Angel watching over me and God above making sure I was in the end, ok. If I did not have faith, christianity, strong beliefs instilled in me from birth, I would not be here right now. I know this for sure. I am now as I write this, ok, and am working on, great.

     Everytime I write on this subject I know that I have let someone know that they are not alone. That someone else understands.

~I wish peace and love on all. Believe, and in the end, all will be well.~
 

oh yes…just so you know, being half German, and born and raised there I speak German. And so when I speak of my ‘mother’, I call her ‘mutter’, out of habit.
   

The End of The Wild ~~ AN ARTICLE

The End of The Wild By Rhonda Marie Ledbetter Hayman    This article is rated “G” by the Author. Last edited: Monday, July 24, 2006 Posted: Tuesday, June 06, 2006

My expess views on the wild and what is left of it. This is a 3 part article and I hope that everyone who reads it gets something from it that they didn’t know or realize before. And that their heart grows.

Part one         ~ In The Beginning

     God created all the creatures that walk the earth. When man came along he was meant to use what he needed for nurishment. But man in his greed and ignorance decided he wanted more than food from the animals. Humans wanted heads to hang, skins to decorate and the most stylish of boots.
    

Part two

       ~ The Creatures In Danger

     Forever has man been taking advantage of what has been granted to him. Creatures have fought long and hard to survive.
     One of the greatest cats to walk the earth, which also happens to be my favorite animal is in terrible danger. My grandchildren may not ever get to see a real Tiger.  This big, awesome, magestic and beautiful cat will be killed off by greedy and uncaring persons. It’s hard to believe but there is actually people that walk the earth who don’t care one way or the other if this cat exists.
     There are 36 different wild cat species, one of the most recognizable being the tiger. In 2005, a new subspecies of tiger was identified in Malaysia. Like the others, it is critically endangered. There is also the Siberian, South China, Indochinese, Bengal and Sumatran tigers. There are only 4870 to 7300 left in the wild. Over the last 70 yrs these have already become extinct, the Bali, Javan and Caspian tigers.

     The black bear is threatened today greatly, especially in Florida, by habitat destruction, hunting, poaching, highway fatalities and over development that cuts them off from the food, water and shelter they need. Unfortunately, black bears are not protected under the Endangered Species Act. There are those in Florida who refuse to list the black bear.

     The wolf is in danger also, in Alaska Governor Frank Murkowski’s horrid policy that allows aerial gunners to use airplanes to hunt and kill wolves is one of the reasons. Information I have read says that “entire wolf packs are being completely wiped out”, quoted from Defenders of WIldlife. That is a whole family killed.
     Sadly there are also other people in office that refuse to use their power to stop the slaughter in Alaska. Wolves in other states are in trouble too. In Idaho and Wyoming it would be hard to be a wolf. Wyoming, most of it anyways, is open to unrestrained slaughter of wolves..again. Sad, since a wolf pack is more human than humans..they help to raise eachothers pups, they care and look out for eachother. Thus…the pack.

     I don’t know about anyone else, but I think that the Jaguar is a beautiful cat. They are shot as vermin and have been hunted to near extinction for their coats. There have been fewer than 20 confirmed sitings of the jaguar in the United States since the mid-1800′s. The jaguar is the third largest of all the big cats. Worldwide there are only an estimated 15,000 remaining in the wild. None of those are in the States. How unfortunate for us.

     Other animals on the endangered list or
should be, is the: Sea Otter, come on…how cute are they?!… Polar Bear, an awesome big strong, enduring creature…. Dolphin, So smart, Almost human but better with it’s kindness….  Snowy Owl,wow, wise, beautiful….Panther, Agile, beautiful, amazing….Elephant, protective of its young, such a strong family unit, much better than humans….Whale, intelligent creature, gentle giants….Cottentail, too cute.

     It happens everytime & it’s amazing but I get a smile on my face just thinking about these animals and each of their individual qualities.
      Part three

     ~What Can be Done??

     I personally don’t understand the need to destroy. I love animals and respect their right to live and to be here 100 yrs from now, 1000 yrs from now. Unfortunately a lot of people don’t feel that way or they just are so wrapped up in them selves that they don’t have time to consider them or remember them.
     Animals are needed for the environment, the ecosystem. They each play their own role on this planet. People are so wrapped up in me…me…me, that they can’t see what goes on around them. Every person is neccasary in helping to keep this a clean and healthy world.
     The polititians are worried about who’s in office next term and what their pay will be. So it is up to us citizens to make sure that they know that we won’t let up on them to do what is right.
     It is sad; some of the responses I have recieved from some polititions. These are the people that we elect to office. The people that we count on to make decisions for us daily. They say all the right things to get elected but then once in office do what they want.
     We as humans are the care takers of these now vulnerable creatures. They are like our children when first born, it is up to us to make sure that they are safe and cared for.
     How many people can say they have ever just stopped to look at the lines on a tiger and see the beauty of it’s design. Or try to watch for the intelligence that a whale shows. And Dolphins, they are all about gracefulness. Let’s look at the wolf;  they take care of eachother always. We as humans don’t even do that. Look how many homeless and starving American children there are. Forget Africa, India and China, the US is in enough trouble of it’s own that isn’t getting fixed.
     People have lost sight of the important things in life. Money and power and getting ahead. Industrialism, polution, building after building being built when there is plenty of used space not being used. But we must have a new building in a new spot and more roads and more and more houses to take up more and more space and destroy more and more animals homes and lives.
     There are so many houses that could be torn down and that space reused. Everyone wants to live in the country, but there is no more country. Where are the bears supposed to live. What about the dear? They have to live somewhere. There are more and more animals laying dead on the side of the road everyday.           We need every tree that is cut down, every river destroyed as well as every stream. We don’t need bigger trucks that just cause more polution and use more gas. God forbid we go without having a Hummer or an F-350 Deisel. We continue to try to find our happiness, but we aren’t finding it and so we must have more and more.
     After this is all gone…that’s it! You can’t wave a magic wand and wish it back. Once the Tiger is gone…it’s gone and we are left without it’s beauty.
     How about we start realizing that it takes all of us caring and being thoughtful to make the world go around. It’s not just all about me or you. I teach my children that everything they do will directly or indirectly effect someone else. And that matters. I tell them all the time that, it’s not just about what makes you happy at the moment. It’s not just, “ All that matters is that I’m happy”.
    We are apart of something bigger than ourselves and we are destroying it. The government isn’t doing their part either. They should all be fired. 

~~~ It is amazing that we are the ones that walk upright. We design and create and progress. When these animals all are better parents and citizens of their environment than any human is. We could learn from them yet we destroy them. For what? If I sound anti-human, then I come across as harsh, as I intend to do. Sometimes it takes harshness to get across something of importance. I am not anti-human, I am merely being frank. I have so much to learn to be the kind of person that I am meant to be for these creatures and our planet, but I am up for the challenge as I hope that some of you are.~~~

I have given up hope but I still try everyday to try to save what I can. I have given up hope for mankind, yet I still write this. Is there hope? I guess it’s up to you now..did I reach you?

Notes:
I get most of my research info from the Defenders of Wildlife group that I am a member of. There are so many groups that a person could become a part of to do their part. I can give you many names. I myself am a member of 6 groups. It doesn’t take a lot of time. 2 minutes of your day to send an email that is already prepared for you. If you would like to know about some of my groups let me know. 
 
 

Pain Filled Rage Within

    The Pain Filled Rage Within

by Rhonda Marie Hayman 

                      

                                                           Saturday, March 13, 2004

Gazing at the moon,
Thoughts drifting, unable to composite any congruent images in my mind. Emotions rage over the edge, to some insane origin. It’s proportion frightening. My chest is tight, It won’t expand, normal function lost to me. My mind is closed to anything but the thoughts that are a mixed mass formed from the rage. Do I have the capacity to do harm? Put to action the variable ideas born of this rage. Visibly shaken to the core, With no outlet for the rage I sit on edge, uncertain…Yet I gaze, Dissecting the form of the moons surface wanting to vanish in one of it’s great craters. Would that the rays of the moon could fall from the space above and descend upon my face feeding my heart with light. I think I saw the man in the moon, Gazing back at me, I believe he dropped a tear, a reflection of my own

                                  

                   The Pain Filled Rage Within © Rhonda Marie Ledbetter Hayman 

I struggle everyday to get up and do what needs doing. To raise my kids, keep the things that i am passionate about in me. To not lose myself. I hope that I can and do finally lose this weight that I gained becuz of ‘him’ and the PCOS & diabeties. I feel so trapped by it. I hate that, I have been trapped for way to long. For many reasons. I want to be able to carry out the gifts that God has given me. Do what I was meant to do.

I will write another day. I must poke myself again and test my blood sugar before I go to bed. yea!!! such fun.

Peace~

A Time To Be

I am a SURVIVOR of 16 yrs of domestic abuse. The poems displayed here are a testament to what abuse does to the abused wife & the kids. Maybe they and all the others I have written will help people to understand a little better the affects of domestic abuse. I am just now getting out of it and life is unknown and scary NOW. 

I hope that everyone gets something from my words, finds something that is close to home or they can relate to. I love people to get pleasure from my writing.

  Hear This…Kiss Off
                        by Rhonda Marie Hayman                                              

Tuesday, April 04, 2006 
    You throw your mighty weight around with me
You believe for some reason that you are above me
You yell, you curse, you give silent coldness
The name calling is never ending
You continue to wipe your feet on me
Like as if I am beneath the worms in the ground
You tell me I am worthless, I am nothing
I guess you have to in order to feel big
You tell me I can do nothing
I can never do it right, whatever it may be
You can afford motorcycles and computers
Trucks, video games, whatever pleases you
But there’s no money for the doctor or the dentist
God forbid we need new glasses

You’ve beat me down with more than your hands
Your mouth, ugly words, lies and deciet
Cheating and leaving when the mood strikes
Because according to you I don’t deserve better
Your idea of being a man, a good man
Is bringing home the money
Making a house payment paying the cable
You say who cares how you act
As long as I have a roof over my head…
Paid for by ‘you’
That without you I would have and be nothing

After all the years of hearing these things
I unfortunately believe them
The more you say I’m worthless
The more worthless I become
I know in my head you are an evil abusive man
But my heart is forever scarred by you
And so believes the lies
After all…if I was worth anything
You wouldn’t put your hands on me
You couldn’t make me believe I am nothing
You wouldn’t threaten my life by cheating
And you would never just keep walking out
There are so many things about you
That aren’t good, not in the least
While I’ve been honest, faithful, kind and supportive
With here and there my temper would flare
I’ve opened my eyes…
I’m not beneath you any longer
It’s you who are beneath me

So after seventeen years..listen loud and clear
I want you to be quite aware
So that you are sure to hear and see my ‘kiss off’

                                              

             Hear This Kiss Off © Rhonda Marie Ledbetter Hayman